September 28th

I'm having one of those moments.... where guilt about how long it has been since I last blogged nearly kept me from signing on tonight.  I feel like I have nothing to say, but again recognize that having nothing to say, but staying engaged in the process, is more important than having something profound to say everytime I show up here.

So... in the spirit of living love.... I supported my sister today to be brave.  I snuggled both of my children and made them laugh.  I showed genuine support to a client living on the edge.  I am working on developing more meaningful relationships.  I am working to get out of my own head and to offer better service to others. 

I am grateful for my newly painted family room which feels so comfortable and peaceful to me.  I am grateful for my husband who has spent countless hours completing this project.  I am grateful for a warm, safe bed to sleep in tonight.  I am grateful that my children are excited to go to school tomorrow.  I am grateful for a job which pays me well enough to live comfortably.  I am grateful that I can make a difference in people's lives.  I am grateful that it is fall, and so cool, and colourful.   I am grateful that I have friends who are worth missing when I can't spend the time that I want to spend with them.  I am grateful for my mom who called to encourage me tonight.

I am grateful that I embraced love tonight instead of hiding because I felt so much less than perfect. 

Aloha,
Emily

September 12th

Hello!!

Sorry it has been so long since my last blog, as I have had some big things happening in my life, and some limitations to my internet access.

In and around all those things, my mind keeps returning to the idea of living love, and I am excited to see that I believe this journey is already yielding positive results! Thank you to all of you who have provided feedback and are enjoying the journey as well.

Four things have struck me recently:

The first is the idea of being good “for” people, and not just being good “to” them.  I have noticed that there are many times when I have been nice or polite to someone, but withheld the truth in my heart because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings.  So, I have stayed superficial in my relationship or conversation with them, for fear that true expression of my feelings would result in rejection.  I am learning that being honest and loving is a hard road to walk, and I’m not always sure yet where the line is between speaking the truth in love, and just speaking my understanding of the truth because it serves another purpose.   I am learning…

The second is the idea of love being perfect.  It is not new that I would be hard on myself for being less than perfect, and so learning to live love has meant that I am learning to love myself and others in all of our mutual imperfection.  That is a hard row for me to hoe, since I have pretty high expectations of myself and others and can be quick to judgment.  I realized that I had developed the idea that learning to live love would help me to be more perfect…. DUH!  How ridiculous is that really?  I imagine that most people would already agree that only God’s Love is perfect, and I can’t imagine there being such a thing as perfect human love, given how imperfect we are as human beings. 

Thirdly, someone I love shared this with me, and I wanted to share it with you:

Center for Action and Contemplation <cac@cacradicalgrace.org>

BREATHING UNDER WATER: Spirituality and the Twelve Steps

We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.  ~ Step Five of the Twelve Steps As any good therapist will tell you, you cannot heal what you do not acknowledge, and what you do not consciously acknowledge will remain in control of you from within, festering and destroying you and those around you. When human beings “admit” to one another “the exact nature of their wrongs,” we invariably have a human and humanizing encounter that deeply enriches both sides—and even changes lives—often forever! It is no longer an exercise to achieve moral purity, or regain God’s love, but in fact a direct encounter with God’s love. It is not about punishing one side but liberating both sides. This is the way that God seduces us all into the economy of grace—by loving us in spite of ourselves in the very places where we cannot, or will not, or dare not love ourselves. God shocks and stuns us into love. God does not love us if we change; God loves us so that we can change. From Breathing Underwater: Spirituality and the Twelve Steps, pp. 37, 39, 40-42

So – how profound is that??? I loved the last paragraph especially, and the timeliness of this article fit nicely with my musings about love being perfect.  The pursuit of perfection seems to be a personality trait for some of us, and a cultural overtone for the rest of us.  Imagine what the world would be like if we redirected all the resources we spend on the pursuit of perfection into the pursuit of living love instead?  Surely we would encounter love and God’s Love on a whole new level….

Lastly, I am pleased that my goal to live love prevented me from raising my hand against my five year old son this week.  When he carelessly broke the window out of my car at a highly inopportune time, the first thought that went through my head was to beat the crap out of him.  I am not proud of the thought, but am proud of the courage that I had to walk away and deal with my anger in a more productive way.  Afterward, it led me to all sorts of contemplation about parenting with love.  To be honest, I had no idea how to effectively punish him.  He sat in time out, helped me to clean the mess, and to at least partially compensate for the $360 loss to the family finances, he will not be granted any special treats or gifts until Thanksgiving.  Any other ideas??? I am certainly open to them.  I foresee reading some parenting books in my future, and if anyone has some titles to recommend, I would be grateful.  My kids are both now school age, so a whole new world of parenting has begun.

My blog today is dedicated to my hubby who has loved me through 11 years of marriage as of this past weekend, and 14 ½ years total.  Thank you sweetie, I love youJ

Emily