February 20

Hmmmm... so you've been waiting for a blog have you? Well, I've been avoiding writing.

I suppose I am here now because I am working on being more courageous, more compassionate, and more connected. 

You see, I have been feeling hurt and lonely.  I gather that happens to us all, and we all deal with these things in different ways.

My whole goal in starting this blog, was to work out some guideposts on a journey of living love every day.  I wanted to figure out what it means exactly to "live love", and to be clear about what it looks like and what it doesn't.  Cue the rigid, black and white part of my personality that likes things to be clear and uncomplicated.  What I am learning is that living love is anything but clear and uncomplicated.

Here is the problem that I have right now.  How do I live love when I do not feel loved?

How do I show love to myself, my husband and my children, others - when there is a void in my reservoir of love energy to tap into?

None of this is to suggest that I am not loved, or that I believe that no one loves me.  In fact, I know with 100% certainty that several people in my life love me deeply, or at least, like me and are concerned for me.  However, I have a legacy of life experiences that left me feeling unloved, betrayed, and neglected.  And regardless of my conscious decision(s) to forgive and forget, old pain has recently welled up from the deep and flooded my soul. 

This is not how I want to feel and it is not how I want to live. I have been in a sort of paralysis.  I have been unable to face the damage deep inside which threatens to overtake me, but unable not to do exactly that, and move on.  I believe that God has sent me a clear message over and over in the past few years "I want to fill your life with Love and Light" and who am I to stand in the way just because my feelings are hurt? So I am putting one foot in front of the other and I am cleaning up the mess.

As so often works for me, I have been looking for ideas - and as always, the amazing power of "seek and ye shall find" has manifested itself again.  It all started one day when Chapters Indigo sent me an email saying that they had a 50% off sale on several of their bestselling inspirational books.  I ordered three.  One of the titles caught my attention immediately, and I just finished reading "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" by Brene Brown.  That is where I got the inspiration to live with courage, compassion and connection.  I highly recommend this read.  There were times when I was buzzing through a chapter thinking, "this is nice, but doesn't really apply to me..." and bang - the next sentence would hit me square between the eyeballs.  She raised my awareness of some important issues in my life.

You see, another reason why I started this blog is because I really want to be a good parent - the kind of mom who raises amazing kids who are going to be an amazing force of good in the world.  I believe that this is one of the important ways that I can be a force for good myself.  I want my kids to feel love, and to be strong, and to be able to give love.  I know that it is impossible to protect them from fear and loss and harm...but I would like their legacy to be the strength to live love through these experiences.

So one day, a dear friend posted a blog on Facebook:  momastery.com/blog/2014/01/30/share-schools/ and here was a mother talking about the power of love and connection in children's classrooms...

So I linked to the main Momastery blog... and found the words "Join the re[LOVE]ution”.  There are other people on the same track as me! Not shocking, but deeply affirming.  And here is another thing I read there: "You belong here. Momastery is an open window. It's a place to take a deep breath. It's a place to drop out and tune in. It's a place to stop striving, stop competing, stop suspecting, stop hiding. To hear and tell truth. Mother Teresa said, "If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that We Belong to Each Other". If we find peace here - it's because we remember."

Well, this meant a lot to me, because I had started to disconnect - to feel that it was less painful to disconnect than to connect.  But it wasn't a comfortable choice in my soul. I was not at peace with myself, and was increasingly uneasy with the world around me.  I don’t get to disconnect and still be happy.  I don’t get to disconnect and still live love.

So here I am, in the spirit of courage - being vulnerable and staying connected, even though I would rather hide. 

I have mixed feelings about the current trend of airing all of our imperfections - and wearing them like badges of pride.  But I get how powerful it is to share our stories and to be real.  I am striving toward living the best life that I possibly can, and being a force of good in the world.  And, I am learning to be comfortable with the fact that I am not perfect, and that imperfection is a gift.

Love and Light.

These are my pillars.  These are my touchstones. One foot in front of another. Courage. Compassion. Connection.

Aloha,

Emily